Getty ImagesAt this point, we?d almost believe anything written about the Animal House that is/was the Boston clubhouse.
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"Maybe Attending" is the option I?ve clicked on every Halloween party invitation I?ve received so far. I?m all for spending my Saturday night at the neighbors? house, unwrapping a stack of miniature Snickers bars and giving myself a fun-sized case of diabetes, but I haven't been able to pull together the perfect costume; right now, I?m debating between Sexy Former Retail Associate, Sexy Mike Ditka or Sexy Stanley Cup Made of Aluminum Foil and Cardboard.
At least I won?t have to worry about running into myself. According to a "spookswoman" (their word, I swear) for Party City, over 2.6 million people will be dressing as zombies this year and will include a number of variations, like the Walking Dead-style zombie, a vampire zombie, or A-Rod in the playoffs.
So, if you?re like me and don?t want an off-the-rack outfit or cheekbones caked with fake blood, here some do-it-yourself sports-themed ideas:
Andrew Luck: With his 180.0 quarterback rating, 20 touchdown passes and a 15-game win streak that stretches back to October 2010, Luck has become both the patron saint and locker pin-up for every struggling NFL team. You?ll need: A Stanford Cardinal helmet, an empty shelf for your potential Heisman trophy, a willingness to leave the party with the homeliest, most inept, most interception-y attendee. (Or anyone in a St. Louis Rams shirt).
The Red Sox pitching staff: At this point, I?d almost believe anything written about the Animal House that is/was the Boston clubhouse. Josh Beckett drank beer during games! Jon Lester put a horse in Terry Francona?s office! John Lackey ? well, fat, drunk and stupid might not be the way to go through life, but it will get you $16 million a season from the Red Sox. You?ll need: A Boston uni whose seams are stretched more than they were in spring training, a Solo cup fill of Bud Light, enough fried chicken to make you smell like Colonel Sanders? string tie.
Jim Caldwell: After watching his Colts defense do their best impression of Night of the Living Dead, Caldwell found himself on the wrong side of a 62-7 score and off to what could become Indianapolis? worst season since 1998. As a result, his players are calling him out to the press and the press has started to suggest that?ll he?ll need to box up his mustache trimmer and mock turtlenecks and find a new job. You?ll need: A headset, a Colts-logo hat, a bewildered expression.
If you really want to pull this off, you?ll spend the evening sending Peyton Manning ?Get Well Soon? bouquets from Edible Arrangements and keep whispering ?I?m so sorry? while joining every ?Andrew Luck to Indianapolis? Facebook group. Click. JIM CALDWELL LIKES THIS. Click. JIM CALDWELL LIKES THIS. Click.The Oakland Raiders: This one's easy, if you're willing to wear black and silver all night. You?ll need: Rummage through the host's kitchen cabinets until you find a past-its-prime perishable. Next, offer to trade an entire bag of candy, your company car and possibly a first-round draft pick for whatever ?Best If Used By 2006?-stamped item you just pulled out of [Cincinnati retirement] the pantry. Finally, lead your new purchase out of the room, murmuring ?It?s OK, Carson. You?re good enough for me.?
Note: If Al Davis wasn?t spending the rest of the month haunting Hue Jackson, he?d extend one satin-covered arm out of the ether and punch you in the teeth.
Joe Torre: The MLB?s executive VP for operations has said that due to ?concern? about what happened in the Sox clubhouse, that the league might consider banning alcohol from all clubhouses. So as Torre, you?ll walk across the patio removing drinks from everyone?s hands, while solemnly reminding them it's in their best interest. You?ll also be asked to leave the party well before appetizers are served. You?ll need: A loosely knotted tie, undereye bags shaped like Bud Selig, feigned outrage.
Undercover Bill Belichick: When Belichick traveled to the Rutgers-Louisville game to watch his son the Scarlet Knight, he appeared on the sidelines wearing a hood. Wait wait, he's in something that doesn't have scissored-off sleeve holes! Why isn't he dressed like a Reebok-wrapped Jawa? Is that even Belichick? You?ll need: a suit, a shower, a facial expression that in the right light might be interpreted as a smile.
Ndomukong Suh: What does a 6-foot-4, 307-pound defensive tackle wear for Halloween? Whatever he wants (and also some jewelry made of Matt Ryan?s ankle skin). You'll need: Don't dress as Suh unless you really are Suh.
The Columbus Blue Jackets: They?re 0-7-1, have already allowed a Western Conference-worst 29 goals and haven?t had a regulation win in 24 games. And looking at their schedule, they could be W-less until they face Winnipeg Nov. 12. You?ll need: A doormat, and attach it to your body with shoulder straps and patiently repeat phrases like ?I?m the Columbus Blue Jackets!? and ?The Blue Jackets are a hockey team!? and ?Aw, screw it, I?m the Miami Dolphins!?
Les Miles: The 8-0 LSU Tigers are coming off a borderline cannibalistic 45-10 Tiger-on-Tiger stomping of Auburn, are averaging over 39 points per game and have an extra week to prepare for their Nov. 5 trip to Tuscaloosa. That?s a must-watch clash (sorry, Wake Forest-Notre Dame) that many are predicting will be a preview of the BCS title game. You?ll need: A purple windbreaker, a white hat, be completely insane.
The guy who threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods: This one?s self-explanatory, although you?ll spend the evening being confused with The Guy Who Forgot About the Party Until About Twenty Minutes Ago. You?ll need: A hot dog, an arm, a weak throwing motion.
Rob Gronkowski: The Patriots tight end spent his bye week with adult film actress BiBi Jones, the star of movies you won?t find listed beside ?The Lion King 3D? at your local multiplex. Jones posted photos of the two of them ? including a shirtless Gronkowski ? to Twitter and spent Monday on Boston sports radio referring to Gronkowski as ?such a gentleman?. You?ll need: a Pats jersey, an active Twitter account, lowered standards, possibly a prescription for that special kind of shampoo.
Remember, just because you clicked ?I?m Attending? on that Facebook Invitation doesn?t mean you really have to spend the evening standing in a semi-stranger?s kitchen. Just tell everyone you?re coming, make sure they?ve made arrangements for you to be there, then ? at the last minute ? change your mind.
Congratulations, you?re TCU! And you didn?t even need that Sexy Horned Frog costume.
Jelisa Castrodale has learned a lot about life by making a mess of her own. Read more at jelisacastrodale.com , follow her on twitter at twitter.com/gordonshumway, or contact her at
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